Woo Hoo – holiday.
We had been planning a trip for some time, ever since the original “The Trip” with Coogan and the welsh bloke, and it finally happened. We had the idea for a couple of days of fantastic hotels, brilliant food, lots of script writing and incredible company. We failed.
We set off down the old M4 around 9:00 on the Thurs, and within minutes the jokes were flowing like honey wine at the monastery when the monks realised that Master Monk had left for the village and forgotten to lock up his Kays Catalogue. Unfortunately like the monks the wine and excitement ran out before the Severn Bridge. So we drove in silence to the M5. A change in scenery and we were back on form, unfortunately we didn’t have a mini camera in the car, so the exquisite pearls of handsome humor have been lost in the folds of time, but it got us to a petrol station in a village just off the M5.
Now we were really on a voyage of discovery, speeding along country lanes looking for a bacon roll on the side of the road (well in a van on the side of the road), we found, instead, a hotel/pub affair. We dared to venture in, and passed the polish security guards dressed as cleaners, but balked at the price for a cooked breakfast – six quid, I ask you! In fact the main reason we didn’t stop was the table they had was next to some other humans – and we don’t like that.
More lanes and we found Nailsbury or maybe Nailsworth, and as I had been here before I could navigate the driver to the car park – and in short order we had a fantastic bacon roll and tea – this was living alright…
After Nails* we headed through Minchimptonhamptonshire and a herd of cows, which spooked Phil rather dramatically – but we were soon over the common looking for the next stop. We saw a sign for Cirencester – so we headed in. After a quick detour around the one way we parked up and looked at the delights of the town – it’s okay there. After thinking everyone passing on a bike was Gibson, we settled in for my first beer of the day. The sun was out, I had a drink and we had 30 mins before the car parking ran out. At this point we could see the car park, so with a saftey net of only 3 mins we ambled over – it wasn’t our parking place – so we meandered around to find where we left the car. We found it.
After some time in the car we arrived at the next stop, it was nearly lunch time, but I had gobbled down 12 wine gums and a packet of Pork Scratchings so decided to just go with the lager this time, brave Phil had a fancy pants coffee – he’s really metropolitan don’t ya’know. We left the lovely village of Bourton to pastures new, and off to Stow – which is on the Wold apparently, but we didn’t see any rivers there. Another quick mooch around and a pint each this time outside a pub. Not too shabby.
Next stop was terminal. We pulled into the car park of the hotel in Chippen Campden and I checked us in. It is a twin I asked – no she replied. It *will* be a twin I suggested, and luckily she agreed to get housekeeping to do the necessary – so we had a beer. We looked a little like we were going to a Camp Den. After a beer, a wink from the bar man and some curry popcorn we checked in into the room. It was a twin, but barely. It used to be a Queen bed, but was actually two singles, they had but two single mattresses on, but not moved the bed – so as the old phrase goes, you couldn’t have got a rizla between us – well not until we re-arranged the furniture to give us some man space.
We decided to walk to the village next door, a 5 mile slog over mountains and streams, it was 4:30 – we managed about 50 yards and saw that a pub was having a pub quiz later so headed back up the high street for a quick mosey then a pint. I think at this time we may have had another pint, then went to a nice place to see if we could get in on the Curry Night – we couldn’t – so we had a beer. As it happened the pub with the quiz, had an exciting rear which was a fully fledged Indian – fan bloody tastic. We raced over and had a great curry and Cobra wolfed down to get us in the bar by 8:00 for the quiz. It started late.
The quiz was jolly good fun – fueled in part by the beers we had, and the beers the quiz master had, it was loud and boisterous and rude – we came third – the others must have cheated, because we did, and we still only came third. But we did get all the joke questions right, and shouted them out to great applause and even a fist pump by the quiz master.
We had a final pint and a coffee and fed a slug some curry popcorn – then we retired to our honeymoon suite and before I could finish my dissection of the next days driving, Phil was swaddled up and sleeping like a baby. A baby who makes alarming whale blows in his sleep….
I felt a spider walk my leg in the night, but dismissed it – more of that tomorrow…